Bacon Haricots Verts

THIS RECIPE IS A LIE! Well, not really, but I wanted to start off with something dramatic. I am a meat and potatoes kind of guy, and the fact that this is a vegetable recipe makes it seem untrustworthy to me. Damn vegetables and their damn vitamins and minerals. Damn them. Ever since I started shopping at Aldi, however, I find myself buying and eating more fruits and vegetables. This may have to do with Megan always adding them to our cart, but I can't be sure.

My grandmother was from Alabama. She had a certain way to cook green beans that was extremely southern. As in green beans + bacon = cooking them together all day. The result was very tasty, but mushy. This recipe keeps the bacon, but leaves you with crisp beans.

There is wisdom in cooking vegetables with bacon (or deep frying them, but that's another post) especially for people like me who are not of the vegetarian persuasion. If you asked me to eat a bowl of nails, I wouldn't do it, but if you told me they were cooked with bacon...I still wouldn't eat it, but I'd consider it. There it is. Bacon makes you eat healthier.

BACON HARICOTS VERTS:

16 oz. fresh green beans ($1.39)
2 slices bacon diced ($2.99 for 16 oz.)
1/2 small onion diced ($0.99 for 2 lbs.)
1 tbs butter ($2.29 for 1 lbs.)
Salt and pepper to taste

First rinse off and prepare the green beans. By prepare them, I mean snap off both ends of the beans, and get rid of any that look like you might not want to eat them. One thing about Aldi produce is that it goes bad quickly. Do not expect to buy green beans and then cook them a month later. I have been assured by numerous people who have no background in agriculture whatsoever, that the fact that the produce does not last indefinitely is a good thing. I invite these people to go live on an organic farm and use ancient Chinese medicine that led to an average life expectancy of 40 and an infant mortality rate of  50%. I prefer my apples irradiated.

 Now, boil enough water to cover the beans, and set up a bowl big enough to fit all the beans with some ice water in it. You can boil the water in a pot, but if you do it in a large saucepan, you will have to clean fewer dishes later. Once the water is boiling, add the beans for 1 minute. Then drain the beans and put them in the ice water bath. Take them out of the bath once cooled and pat them dry with paper towels.



Next heat up that saucepan again over medium heat. Once hot, throw in the diced bacon. Cook until there is enough bacon grease to work with, we don't want the bacon crispy yet. Add the onions and 1 tbs butter as well as salt and pepper. Start cooking those onions until they start to brown stirring frequently.

Now, add the the beans. You will only need to cook the beans until they are heated through, a couple of minutes. You can add more salt and pepper if you like. Just make sure it tastes the way you like, unless you're making this for someone else, then make it taste the way you like anyway. They're getting a free meal and shouldn't complain.

 There you have it. Green beans with bacon and onion, or Bacon haricots verts if you're feeling fancy. Seriously, call it that and most people will think it's some superb French masterpiece, assuming of course you didn't screw up the recipe. If they don't think it's a superb French masterpiece, I blame you.

Lobster Rolls

Remember how I said I was going to post more, then disappeared off the face of the Earth. Remember that? That was fun.

Seeing as my last post was in the summer and all about shellfish, and it is now the dead of winter, this post is all about shellfish. For those of you who have not lived in the Northeast section of the U.S., they have this awesome thing called a lobster roll. It doesn't make up for the horribleness of winter, but it comes close.

Lobster rolls are basically tuna salad sandwiches, but instead of tuna you use lobster. I KNOW RIGHT?! They are extremely prevalent in Maine, where the residents begin lobster fishing at age fetus. Even the McDonald's up there have lobster rolls. How strange is that?

"What are you eating?"

"Lobster."

"Where did you get it?"

"McDonald's . . . ewwww*"

*The ewwww is for when the other person's head exploded from hearing that you can get lobster at a damn McDonald's.

LOBSTER ROLLS:

2 frozen Maine lobster tails ($12.99) or frozen whole lobster ($9.99)
3 Tbsp mayonnaise ($1.99 for 30 oz.)
1 stalk celery ($0.79 for bunch)
2 Tbsp butter ($2.29 for 16 oz.)
2 hoagies ($1.79 for 6) or hot dog buns ($0.79 for 8)
2 leaves romaine lettuce rinsed and dried ($1.99 for 3 hearts)
Salt and pepper to taste

First, cook up the lobster however it says on the package. Here is how to cook the whole lobster from an old post:

Boil enough water to cover the lobster. Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice.

Once you have all the meat out of the lobster shell, chop it and the single celery stalk up.

Do not dice the lobster, you want big lobster pieces. add the mayo, lobster and celery to a bowl and mix it up. Add salt and pepper to taste.

 Meanwhile, melt the butter and spread it on the open hoagies or hotdog buns. then, toast them butter side down on medium in a frying pan or in the oven under the broiler. If you use the broiler keep an eye on them as they will burn and cause firemen to come to your home. Not sexy firemen either, the kind who are pissed off you don't know how to use your broiler.

Line the now toasted (but not burnt) bread with the lettuce and shovel in the lobster mix. Now, shovel all this into your face.

If you want to change up the recipe a bit, add some hot sauce, or Dijon mustard, or an old tire (do not add that last one).

Amazeballs Roasted Shrimp

So, the habit of one post a month seems to be hard to break. There's work, and all the other things that are not work that I have to deal with, like watching Game of Thrones. We also went on a Caribbean cruise. Neither Megan nor I are very well suited to the Caribbean climate, as we are both pasty to the point of being Morlocks. Luckily, we were on the largest cruise ship in the world, and there was plenty of shade and air conditioning to be had. There was also plenty of seafood. Lobster, scallops, and shrimp all made an appearance. Several appearances, actually. We would regularly sneak in to the concierge club for free champagne and food, including some amazeballs shrimp. I'm not sure what the recipe was, but these are amazeballs as well.

AMAZEBALLS ROASTED SHRIMP:

1 package frozen shrimp ($4.99 for 16 oz.)
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste
2 tbsp olive oil ($3.49 for 17 oz.)

Thaw your shrimp and preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Peel the shrimp. Place the shrimp on a baking sheet and drizzle the oil over them, then salt and pepper them.

Put the shrimp in the oven for about 9 minutes or until pink and just cooked through. Now take them out of the oven (this is an extremely important step). You are done.

You can make a sauce if you like. The one I made was just ketchup and some horseradish sauce I found. These are great with or without sauce. I used the medium shrimp, but the jumbo would work just as well. This also may be the easiest recipe I've yet posted. You're welcome, lazy people. Eat these and pretend you're on a Caribbean cruise. Have someone bring you free champagne. That helps.

Balsamic Tortellini Skewers

It is officially summer, by which I mean it is not yet officially summer. Damn Solstice. It is, however, hot, just a little muggy, and there are tourists everywhere. To me, that says summer. This is true if you are in North America. For some reason this blog has a good deal of traffic from Australia, so if you happen to be from Australia and reading this, just replace "summer" with "winter" and "muggy" with "Vegemite."

Since it is unofficially summer, I thought it would be a good idea to have a picnic, and needed some picnic type food. These certainly fit the bill. They are filling, tasty, and served cold, so they're particularly refreshing on those days you may develop swamp-ass. I should mention, the remedy is to eat them, not to apply them directly to the affected area. People will stare.

 This recipe is includes things I like, but feel free to substitute veggies, meats, and cheeses you like. This is a pretty versatile recipe, so go nuts. If you use something like onions, though, I would cook them first. You can choose not to, but you will be wrong.

BALSAMIC TORTELLINI SKEWERS:

1 package stuffed tortellini ($1.99)
1/2 pint (20) grape tomatoes ($1.69 for 1 pint)
4 oz. fresh mozzarella ($2.69 for  8 oz.)
2 oz. sliced pepperoni ($1.99 for 7 oz.)
drizzle light balsamic dressing ($1.29 for 16oz.)
sprinkle of Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)

Not for eating: bamboo skewers (I don't know if Aldi actually sells these. I've had a package for years, and we never seem to run out.)

First cook the pasta according to directions. Then, pour the pasta into a colander and rinse the cooked pasta under cold water. gather everything else together. If you decide to use any ingredients that need to be cooked, cook them first, then let them cool before assembly. Cut the rest of the ingredients into bite sized pieces. I cut the tomatoes in 1/2 and just guestimated the cheese.

Now put a tortellini on a skewer and follow it up with the other ingredients in any order you like. I try to go in a certain order that has all the ingredients on the skewer before repeating any single ingredient. This is because I'm a tad OCD. If your mental health issue is something else, like untreated paranoid schizophrenia, you might want to try putting on the tortellini followed by a live penguin, but not anything blue (blue is trying to steal your life-force). The point is, put on what you like in the order you like. I try to get 3 tortellini to a skewer.

Once you have all your tortellini skewered-up, lay them on a platter or Tupperware tub. Pour over the dressing, not drowning the skewers, but getting dressing on all of them.

Pop the skewers in the fridge for a couple of hours. When you are ready to eat them, take them out of the fridge and sprinkle some Parmesan cheese on them. Molto bene! Which I believe is Italian for, "I'm about to eat some skewers I just made, would you like to try them? They have tortellini, balsamic dressing, and cheese on them, so you might not want to have one if you are lactose intolerant." Such a strange and beautiful language. I'm surprised that phrase is as popular as it is. Seems oddly specific. Oh well.

Iced Irish Creamed Almond Coffee

Worst. Drink. Name. Ever. It sounds like an Irishman did something unsavory to it. The drink, however, is what Megan has described as "amazeballs." This is a professional science term. Neil Degrasse Tyson uses it all the time. It is sweet, it has alcohol, and it tastes of coffee. What more could you want? Puppies? It doesn't have puppies. Puppies taste terrible.

HORRIBLY NAMED DRINK THAT TASTES AWESOME:

Coffee ($4.49 for 12 oz.)
Almond Milk ($2.49 for 1/2 gal)
Irish Cream ($8.99 for 750 ml)

First step, make coffee. I used the whole bean coffee, which is the most expensive, but you can use any coffee you like. I also made the coffee a little weak. I imagine this would be even better with espresso, but we do not have an espresso maker. When the coffee is made, let it cool a bit then pour it into your ice cube tray of choice. Place the trays in the freezer and allow to freeze completely. You may notice that my cubes are long rectangles. Well, they're more than just that. They are these.

I have Han Solo frozen in coffeenite. Yeah. Next put in your glass 1 part Irish cream and 1 part almond milk. Stir, then add the coffee ice cubes. As you drink, the coffee melts and releases into the drink. It's great. If you don't drink booze, leave out the Irish cream. If you don't do booze or caffeine, then I'm very, very sorry. And you could use decaff. 

Now, please use the comments to come up with a better name for this drink. That's it. Drink up.

Hot Candied Bacon

So, I hopped on Pinterest after being absent from the internets for a time, and I found something amazing, and by amazing I mean important to absolutely no one but me. Aldi is following my board for this blog. Megan immediately indicated that it probably wasn't really Aldi, as Dwight Schrute is apparently following her. In truth it isn't Aldi, but the PR company ALDI US has hired to run their Pinterest board (Weber Shandwick). This excites me. Not because I believe that Aldi will somehow sponsor me or become involved in any way (seriously, have you read this blog?), but because I can picture the PR folks coming to this blog, finding it amusing, then realizing they can never tell their client about it.

It's been about a week, so I expect the cease and desist letter anytime now.

I've also been told I do not blog enough. It's true I've been posting about once a month for the past two months, but I promise to post more. I have a whole bunch of microwave based posts coming up, and even bumped into someone who wants to guest post. I am so on the ball that I managed to not get any of her contact information. Yeah.

Anyway, how do you follow up two posts about eggs? A post about bacon. Megan calls bacon "meat candy" for good reason, because it is everything that is awesome about meat. It's crispy and it melts in your mouth. We use bacon to make great meats taste even better. Bacon is the official meat of your mom, it was also the first meat in space, and is so good it is now considered vegetarian by PETA. These are all facts that you should in no way attempt to verify. Facts.

HOT CANDIED BACON:

8 slices of thick cut bacon ($5.69 for 24 oz.)
1 cup brown sugar ($1.49 for 32 oz.)
1/4 cup hot sauce ($0.99 for 17 oz.)

Preheat the oven to 350 and line a baking sheet with foil. Fill a bowl with the hot sauce and another bowl with the sugar. If you have metal racks that fit on the baking sheet, I find that those are very useful. If you don't, use a broiler pan.

Take a slice of bacon and dip it in the hot sauce until it is fully coated. Lift the bacon and allow the excess to drain back into the bowl. Now put the bacon into the brown sugar and coat the strip of bacon with it. Now place the strip of bacon on the rack or broiler pan. Keep doing this until you run out of space for the bacon. Sprinkle any excess sugar over the bacon. If there isn't any excess sugar, the excess sugar is in the bag marked "brown sugar." Put the bacon in the oven and let it cook for 20-25 minutes or until done to your desired doneness.

 I used the thick cut bacon, but you can use thin if you like. Maple flavored bacon is great for this recipe. Once the bacon has cooled a bit (it will crisp up as it cools) use some kitchen shears to cut the bacon into bite size pieces. We put this out at parties, and it tends to disappear. The spicy and the sweet mixed with the salty and that it's bacon makes this one of our favorite snacks. Megan was extremely happy as I tried to get the recipe for this right, because we had a lot of sugared bacon around the house. This puts most people in a good mood. That's it. Now go make bacon.

Browned Spanish Tortilla

I call this recipe "Browned Spanish Tortilla" because I am racist. Well, not really. As in I'm not really a racist, not that this isn't the real reason for the name of the recipe, although that is true as well. I suppose if you define race as: a breed or strain, as of domestic animals, then I am a total racist. I do not believe that cats and dogs should intermarry or attempt to procreate with each other. Neither did Bill Murray's character from Ghostbusters. Apparently Dr. Venkman was pretty outspoken about it.

I call this recipe "Browned Spanish Tortilla" because I am a racist (within the lines of inter species domesticated animal relations) and because many tortilla española recipes do not have you brown the onions or potatoes prior to mixing them with the eggs. I'm not really sure why this is. Browned potatoes and onions taste awesome. Most recipes have you use a couple of cups of olive oil and fry them, but still not brown them. If anything I'd say that the other recipes are racist. Not that browned potatoes and onions represent people of any sort. Well, maybe Hungarians.

BROWNED SPANISH TORTILLA:

2 baking potatoes ($2.69 for 5 lbs.)
1 sweet or Vidalia onion ($1.49 for 3 lbs.)
8 eggs ($1.19 for 12)
6 tablespoons olive oil ($3.49 for 17 oz.)
2 tablespoons water
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste

First off, peel your potatoes. That is not a euphemism, actually take the potatoes and peel them. Break out your cutting board. What you want are thin slices of potatoes. They can be round slices if you like, or you can quarter the potato and cut the slices with the flat side down on the cutting board. It really doesn't matter what shape they're in, just cut them about 1/8 of an inch thick. If they're a little thicker or a little uneven don't worry. If you have a mandolin use that, oh, and I hate you. Now, cut your onion into thin slices as well.  Heat 3 tablespoons of olive oil on medium high in a pan big enough to fit everything into. When the oil starts to smoke, turn it down to medium and throw in the onions and a little salt.

When the onions start to brown, throw in your potatoes and a pinch of salt and some pepper. Now you want to brown everything, but you don't want everything to be brown. In other words, a little browning is sufficient, we don't want deep brown everywhere. These ingredients are coming out of the pan and then back in later. Also, keep a watch as your potato slices are going to want to stick together. While the potatoes are browning, mix the eggs, water, and another pinch of salt in a bowl until all scrambled and frothy.

When the potatoes and onions are done, take them out of the pan and set them aside to cool for a few minutes. Use the time to reflect on the fact that Google Glasses can't possibly provide you the experience shown in their video unless they directly communicate with your optic nerve. Once the potatoes and onions have cooled down, stir them into the eggs. Clean your pan, and heat up 2 tablespoons of the oil on medium high heat. Once smoking, pour in the potato, egg, onion mixture using a spatula to try to even out all the potatoes and onions. Reduce the heat to medium low. You should also use the spatula to lift up the sides of the tortilla and let raw egg run down underneath. Once the top no longer looks like it's runny, get a plate that is bigger than your frying pan.

Put the plate on top of the pan place your hand palm down against the middle of the plate. With your other hand, grab the handle of the frying pan and lift it up. Flip the whole thing over so the tortilla drops straight onto the plate. Put the pan back down on the burner and heat up the last tablespoon of olive oil on medium heat. Carefully slide the tortilla back into the pan so that the unbrowned side can cook.

A few minutes and the tortilla will be ready to eat. This Spanish dish is typically served cold with some baguette, but we couldn't wait that long because it was dinner time. Truthfully I prefer eating the tortilla hot. You can cut it into wedges like a big egg pizza, or into squares if you want it to last for more than 8 servings. We paired it with a lovely cava and some Big Bang Theory. We finished off the bottle and the tortilla. The sweet onion really makes a wonderful difference in the taste of this tortilla. I would love to tell you how the tortilla was different when it is eaten cold, but we ate the whole thing. Megan told me this was her favorite thing I had ever made. She may have been drunk, but I really enjoyed it as well and was not drunk. So there.