Sweet and Spicy Potato Chip Nachos

You know who doesn't have enough nacho dishes? The Amish. They are constantly asking me to post nacho recipes on the blog. They are also constantly asking me what a blog is. And by constantly, I mean that I may have never met an Amish person. Lot's of Mennonites, though.

Enough about the cultural bankruptcy that is the Amish lifestyle, we're hear to discuss nachos. Crispy chips, melted cheese, and often an assortment of meats and peppers and creams and beans and other meats piled so high that the bottom of the nacho dish begins to liquify from intense heat and pressure, ensuring that the chips are no longer crispy. At least that is what I assume happens.

The other week I was at a restaurant that had a potato chip nacho plate with blue cheese. It. Was. Awesome. Their dish used truffle oil on the chips, which is wonderful, but something I do not have. I tweaked the dish until I made something that made me start eating it, suddenly look down to find there was no more, and become very sad.

SWEET AND SPICY POTATO CHIP NACHOS:

2 Lbs. Russet potatoes sliced 1/4 inch thick (10 Lbs. for $1.99)
3 Tbsp. Extra virgin olive oil (17 oz. for $3.29)
1 Tbsp. Red pepper flake (3.75 oz. for $0.99)
1 Tbsp. Paprika (3.75 oz. for $0.99)
1 tsp. Hot sauce (17 oz. for $0.99)
Sea Salt ($1.49 per grinder)
Pepper ($1.49 per grinder)
Brown sugar (32 oz. for $1.49)
Blue cheese (5 oz. for $2.99)

Set oven to 400 degrees. Clean or peel the potatoes as is your preference. Slice them into 1/4 inch slices. If you do not have a mandolin, this will be a pain in the ass.

Once sliced, put them in a bowl of water with enough water to cover them. Combine the oil, pepper flake, paprika, and hot sauce in a bowl where you can fit all the potato slices. Salt and pepper to taste. Take the potatoes out of the water and pat them dry then throw them into the bowl and coat them well.

Place the slices on baking sheets and put them into the oven rotating the top sheet to the bottom after about 15 minutes. It should take 30-40 minutes for the chips to finish, but watch them. If your chips are not all uniform some will be done quicker than others. If you see a chip that's done (browned around the edges) remove it with tongs and set them on a rack to dry.

Dry the chips about 5 minutes. Add salt and brown sugar to taste. Now build the nachos by setting down a layer of chips and topping it with a layer of sprinkled blue cheese. keep going until you have enough. Turn on the broiler of your oven and put the nachos right beneath it. Remove when the cheese is melty and delicious looking. If you oven doesn't have a broiler just put the nachos in the still hot oven and watch to make sure the chips don't start burning.

I was very pleased with this concoction. It's like WASP nachos. Serve these at the country club and they may consider you for membership. Maybe. Probably not.

Balsamic Tortellini Skewers

It is officially summer, by which I mean it is not yet officially summer. Damn Solstice. It is, however, hot, just a little muggy, and there are tourists everywhere. To me, that says summer. This is true if you are in North America. For some reason this blog has a good deal of traffic from Australia, so if you happen to be from Australia and reading this, just replace "summer" with "winter" and "muggy" with "Vegemite."

Since it is unofficially summer, I thought it would be a good idea to have a picnic, and needed some picnic type food. These certainly fit the bill. They are filling, tasty, and served cold, so they're particularly refreshing on those days you may develop swamp-ass. I should mention, the remedy is to eat them, not to apply them directly to the affected area. People will stare.

 This recipe is includes things I like, but feel free to substitute veggies, meats, and cheeses you like. This is a pretty versatile recipe, so go nuts. If you use something like onions, though, I would cook them first. You can choose not to, but you will be wrong.

BALSAMIC TORTELLINI SKEWERS:

1 package stuffed tortellini ($1.99)
1/2 pint (20) grape tomatoes ($1.69 for 1 pint)
4 oz. fresh mozzarella ($2.69 for  8 oz.)
2 oz. sliced pepperoni ($1.99 for 7 oz.)
drizzle light balsamic dressing ($1.29 for 16oz.)
sprinkle of Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)

Not for eating: bamboo skewers (I don't know if Aldi actually sells these. I've had a package for years, and we never seem to run out.)

First cook the pasta according to directions. Then, pour the pasta into a colander and rinse the cooked pasta under cold water. gather everything else together. If you decide to use any ingredients that need to be cooked, cook them first, then let them cool before assembly. Cut the rest of the ingredients into bite sized pieces. I cut the tomatoes in 1/2 and just guestimated the cheese.

Now put a tortellini on a skewer and follow it up with the other ingredients in any order you like. I try to go in a certain order that has all the ingredients on the skewer before repeating any single ingredient. This is because I'm a tad OCD. If your mental health issue is something else, like untreated paranoid schizophrenia, you might want to try putting on the tortellini followed by a live penguin, but not anything blue (blue is trying to steal your life-force). The point is, put on what you like in the order you like. I try to get 3 tortellini to a skewer.

Once you have all your tortellini skewered-up, lay them on a platter or Tupperware tub. Pour over the dressing, not drowning the skewers, but getting dressing on all of them.

Pop the skewers in the fridge for a couple of hours. When you are ready to eat them, take them out of the fridge and sprinkle some Parmesan cheese on them. Molto bene! Which I believe is Italian for, "I'm about to eat some skewers I just made, would you like to try them? They have tortellini, balsamic dressing, and cheese on them, so you might not want to have one if you are lactose intolerant." Such a strange and beautiful language. I'm surprised that phrase is as popular as it is. Seems oddly specific. Oh well.

Brie Lobster Mac and Cheese

I have made mention of the specialty foods available at Aldi, including the whole Maine lobster for $9.99. Well, right now they also have brie rounds available. Any time we see the lobster, I buy a few of them. They are the same type of lobsters you see advertised on the streets of Boston for $10 by the bars trying to get tourists in. In case you are wondering, those ads totally work on Megan and I. The Aldi lobsters are not going to provide you with endless meat, but they are more than worth the price, and are a cheap way to have a fine lobster dinner (they also have lobster tails available at Aldi for $12.99, but these are warm water lobsters-read not as good-UPDATE-they are now Maine lobster tails).

If you are self conscious about shelling a lobster in front of your date while you eat, then I would ask you what kind of person even makes a lobster dinner for the second date. I mean, seriously, tone it down a bit. Trying too hard is probably why you're still single. If you are otherwise uncomfortable shelling lobster while you eat this kind of recipe is your friend.

BRIE LOBSTER MAC AND CHEESE:

8 oz. brie rind removed and torn up into little pieces ($2.99)
4 oz. shredded cheddar cheese (I used Dubliner $2.99 for 7 oz.)
2 oz. Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)
16 oz. elbow macaroni (32 oz for $1.69)
1 1/2 cups heavy cream ($1.89 for 16 oz.)
1 cup milk ($2.99 for 1 gallon)
3 tablespoons all purpose flour ($1.69 for 5 lbs.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
5 oz. lobster meat (this is an 18 oz. lobster for $9.99 it yields about 5 oz. of meat but amounts will vary)
Salt and pepper to taste
Bread crumbs (optional)

First, prepare the lobster. For the frozen whole lobster you can make it according to the package instructions. Boil a bunch of water in a pot big enough to fit the lobster. You will boil this puppy from frozen. By puppy I mean lobster, please do not make this dish with boiled puppy (it is the wrong consistency). It says to boil the lobster in salted water, but it is unnecessary to salt the water as the lobster is frozen in brine:

Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice. Maybe that's your thing. Everyone has a fetish. I'm not going into how to shell a lobster as I am too lazy to write it and didn't take enough pictures anyway. This guy from the CIA has a lovely video on how to do it. I assume his lobster was water boarded.

Once you have all the meat out make sure there is not leftover shell on the meat. Set the meat aside. Cook the macaroni according to the directions (6-8 minutes) drain and set aside. While cooking the pasta, simmer the cream/milk in a pot, but don't boil. In a pan, melt the butter and whisk in the flour over low heat. Congratulations, you have formed a roux. Don't get too cocky. Just add the hot cream/milk to the roux and whisk until smooth. Add the cheese and stir until smooth. Add salt and pepper to sauce. Combine cheese sauce, macaroni and lobster. Eat, or if you like, you can combine breadcrumbs with some grated cheese and pop the macaroni under a broiler. Keep a watch on it and brown, don't burn, the breadcrumbs.

Lobster mac and cheese is great, but the lobster itself does not reheat well. This may overcook the lobster, so it's best to eat all the lobster in the first sitting and any left over mac and cheese can go in the fridge. I have to go now because there is horrible lightning and thunder. In January.

Gorgonzola Grapes

Well, the holiday season is now over. There will be no more holidays the rest of the year. Except St. Patrick's Day. Any holiday that involves drinking at 8:00 a.m. is still on. Cinco De Mayo as well. Oh, and Halloween, I really like Halloween. And Flag Day.

Ah well, we have a respite from holiday nonsense until February anyway (unless you plan on celebrating Chinese New Year's, which we will, by doing absolutely nothing). I bet you were hoping I would post some wonderful and easy appetizer or nibbles of some sort that you could make for your or someone else's party. Well, I would have, but I was too busy getting ready for our NYE bash. Now that you have already made the food and either had or gone to your New Year's Eve party, here's a recipe for some party food that would have been perfect for that special night. Megan and had something like this at a Brazilian steak house and loved it, so I figured out how to make said dish. This recipe has Gorgonzola, but it could be made with blue cheese just as easily.

GORGONZOLA GRAPES:

4 oz. Gorgonzola cheese crumbled room temperature ($2.99 for 5 oz.)
7 oz. cream cheese room temperature ($0.89 for 8 oz.)
1/4 cup cream 1/2&1/2 or milk ($1.89 for 16 oz. heavy cream)
1 lbs. red grapes ($1.59)

Rinse the grapes and set aside. Combine the remaining ingredients in a mixing bowl and mix. Drop the grapes into the mix and get them good and covered. Plate or store for up to 3 days.

We couldn't stop eating these while we made them. When the people who didn't come to your NYE party ask about it, you can tell them you made these, and they were AMAZING. Since you're lying, you can also say some celebrity showed up to your party. Not an A lister, someone believable who hasn't done much in a while, like Bruce McCulloch. "Oh yeah, Bruce McCulloch was there, from "The Kids in the Hall." Yeah, he's Jeff's cousin. Apparently he does puppet theater now. Weird, huh?"