Browned Spanish Tortilla

I call this recipe "Browned Spanish Tortilla" because I am racist. Well, not really. As in I'm not really a racist, not that this isn't the real reason for the name of the recipe, although that is true as well. I suppose if you define race as: a breed or strain, as of domestic animals, then I am a total racist. I do not believe that cats and dogs should intermarry or attempt to procreate with each other. Neither did Bill Murray's character from Ghostbusters. Apparently Dr. Venkman was pretty outspoken about it.

I call this recipe "Browned Spanish Tortilla" because I am a racist (within the lines of inter species domesticated animal relations) and because many tortilla española recipes do not have you brown the onions or potatoes prior to mixing them with the eggs. I'm not really sure why this is. Browned potatoes and onions taste awesome. Most recipes have you use a couple of cups of olive oil and fry them, but still not brown them. If anything I'd say that the other recipes are racist. Not that browned potatoes and onions represent people of any sort. Well, maybe Hungarians.

BROWNED SPANISH TORTILLA:

2 baking potatoes ($2.69 for 5 lbs.)
1 sweet or Vidalia onion ($1.49 for 3 lbs.)
8 eggs ($1.19 for 12)
6 tablespoons olive oil ($3.49 for 17 oz.)
2 tablespoons water
Salt to taste
Pepper to taste

First off, peel your potatoes. That is not a euphemism, actually take the potatoes and peel them. Break out your cutting board. What you want are thin slices of potatoes. They can be round slices if you like, or you can quarter the potato and cut the slices with the flat side down on the cutting board. It really doesn't matter what shape they're in, just cut them about 1/8 of an inch thick. If they're a little thicker or a little uneven don't worry. If you have a mandolin use that, oh, and I hate you. Now, cut your onion into thin slices as well.  Heat 3 tablespoons of olive oil on medium high in a pan big enough to fit everything into. When the oil starts to smoke, turn it down to medium and throw in the onions and a little salt.

When the onions start to brown, throw in your potatoes and a pinch of salt and some pepper. Now you want to brown everything, but you don't want everything to be brown. In other words, a little browning is sufficient, we don't want deep brown everywhere. These ingredients are coming out of the pan and then back in later. Also, keep a watch as your potato slices are going to want to stick together. While the potatoes are browning, mix the eggs, water, and another pinch of salt in a bowl until all scrambled and frothy.

When the potatoes and onions are done, take them out of the pan and set them aside to cool for a few minutes. Use the time to reflect on the fact that Google Glasses can't possibly provide you the experience shown in their video unless they directly communicate with your optic nerve. Once the potatoes and onions have cooled down, stir them into the eggs. Clean your pan, and heat up 2 tablespoons of the oil on medium high heat. Once smoking, pour in the potato, egg, onion mixture using a spatula to try to even out all the potatoes and onions. Reduce the heat to medium low. You should also use the spatula to lift up the sides of the tortilla and let raw egg run down underneath. Once the top no longer looks like it's runny, get a plate that is bigger than your frying pan.

Put the plate on top of the pan place your hand palm down against the middle of the plate. With your other hand, grab the handle of the frying pan and lift it up. Flip the whole thing over so the tortilla drops straight onto the plate. Put the pan back down on the burner and heat up the last tablespoon of olive oil on medium heat. Carefully slide the tortilla back into the pan so that the unbrowned side can cook.

A few minutes and the tortilla will be ready to eat. This Spanish dish is typically served cold with some baguette, but we couldn't wait that long because it was dinner time. Truthfully I prefer eating the tortilla hot. You can cut it into wedges like a big egg pizza, or into squares if you want it to last for more than 8 servings. We paired it with a lovely cava and some Big Bang Theory. We finished off the bottle and the tortilla. The sweet onion really makes a wonderful difference in the taste of this tortilla. I would love to tell you how the tortilla was different when it is eaten cold, but we ate the whole thing. Megan told me this was her favorite thing I had ever made. She may have been drunk, but I really enjoyed it as well and was not drunk. So there.

Cheese and Broccoli Quiche

Sorry for the long pause between posts. There was an anniversary, and a birthday, and a 1/2 marathon (I did not run it, I am allergic to self-betterment), and a sewing party, and house guests, there was also this t.v. show I like, not to mention how much stuff there is on the internet. Anyway, I'm back now.

From my childhood I remember a book called, "Real Men Don't Cook Quiche" and since I never actually read the book (it was a cookbook at a time before I cooked), I think I should let Jasper's review fill in my gaps of knowledge about the content:

"May I be to say this is one my faavorite books. it contains many joke and funny. please be to preparing me a new weapon, fashioned of ageless bronze. who maxed out my f-ing mastercard? dot.com."

Powerful words. 

 Despite the fact that I am a real man (not one of those fake men you see advertised all over the internet), I do cook quiche. It's egg pie. Why wouldn't I cook this stuff?

I use frozen pie crusts. Not because I can't make pie crusts. Not because you shouldn't make pie crusts, but because I am lazy. Are homemade better, well, it depends on the recipe. If you can make a pie crust, and you enjoy doing so, do it. Otherwise, use a frozen one you like.

The nice thing about quiches is that you can put whatever you want in them . . . as long as you want eggs. Aside from the eggs, though, you can get as creative as you like. You can make them vegetarian, or even vegan (as long as you don't tell vegan people what's in it, it's vegan). Bacon, sausage, spinach, blue cheese, asparagus, etc. are all fine ingredients for the quiche of your choice. All except asparagus. That vegetable should be eradicated from the planet.

CHEESE AND BROCCOLI QUICHE:

1 frozen pie crust thawed ($1.89 for 2)

2 slices muenster cheese ($1.99 for 8 oz.)

1 1/4 cup half and half (Why is there no more cream? Why!)

1 cup thawed frozen broccoli florets ($1.09 for 12 oz.)

1 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese ($1.79 for 8 oz.)

6 eggs ($1.19 for 12)

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

First, preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Layer the muenster along the bottom of the thawed pie crust.

Next, layer in the broccoli florets.

Add the remaining ingredients to a bowel and mix. Pour the mixture into the pie crust. Bake for 35 to 45 minutes or until a knife inserted into the quiche comes out clean.

That's it. Let the quiche cool a bit and eat it. Eat the hell out of it.

Slow Cooked BBQ Pork Ribs

Photo: Mina "I Have a Camera" Kang

So, I spend way too much time on pinterest for someone with a penis. It's what the Food Network used to be for me. I used to get home from work and turn on the Food Network, watching until I became so hungry that I finally decided to make whatever I saw on the most recent show. This often involved trips to the grocery store for specialty items, while I was hungry. It was a bad scene. Now that I'm older and more experienced in the kitchen, I have figured out how to mold recipes to what ingredients I have instead of going to the grocery store every time I cook. Eventually I will learn to stay off pinterest while hungry...eventually.

I've run across a recipe for pulled pork in a slow cooker using a can of root beer and a bottle of BBQ sauce. As a lover of BBQ (STL style-it's what would happen if KC style and Carolina style had an illegitimate child), I was intrigued. This isn't the recipe that was on pinterest. That recipe is very easy and involves adding the pork and contents of the can and bottle to the slow cooker and letting it sit on low for about 6 hours. It's not that this recipe is hard, but I believe in making my own sauce because I am not a communist, or fascist, or whomever it is that doesn't make their own BBQ sauce...actually, I think it's the Jacobites.

Making your own sauce is easy, and has the benefit of allowing you to get it to taste exactly how you want it. It can be sweet, tangy, hot, or all of the above. Your own sauce also has the advantage of impressing the living hell out of everyone who asks you what sauce you used. Most people will look at you like you just told them you just confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson, which I don't understand because it is SO EASY to make BBQ sauce. If you don't know what the Higgs boson is, don't worry, it isn't an ingredient in the sauce.

SLOW COOKED BBQ PORK RIBS:

2 packages boneless pork ribs (price varies per package but averages out to $3.55 per package)
Salt and pepper to taste
2 tbsp olive oil ($3.49 for 17 oz.)

BBQ SAUCE:

3/4 cup Ketchup ($1.19 for 32 oz.)
4 tblsp Mustard ($0.69 for 14 oz.)
4 tblsp Balsamic vinegar ($1.99 for 16.9 oz.)
3 tblsp Molasses ($1.89 for 16 oz.-specialty item that may no longer be available)
1 tblsp Chili powder ($0.99 for 4 oz.)
1 Onion diced ($1.49 for 3 lbs.)
Pepper to taste
1 tsp Garlic salt ($0.99 for 4 oz.)
Crushed red pepper to taste ($0.99 for 4 oz.)
1 can root beer ($2.29 for 12 cans)

First prep the ribs by browning them in a pan. Add the olive oil to the pan and set heat to medium high. Salt and pepper the ribs and place them in the pan for a few minutes per side until they are all brown and lovely. Don't overcrowd the pan.

Once the ribs are browned, put everything into the slow cooker and set it on low. It will not be pretty looking but you don't have to stir it up, everything will meld together eventually.

 Find something to occupy your time for 6 hours. I suggest learning to knit with no instruction whatsoever. Once you have failed at that, you can join a knitting forum and complain about how impossible learning to knit on your own is. If anyone offers assistance, kindly point out that they are being condescending. Whilst kindly pointing out the condescension of others, use a significant amount of profanity and threats of physical violence. When you are banned from the forum, join up again under another email address and threaten the families of the moderators. When this new account is banned and your I.P. address logged, the ribs should be about done. P.S. Don't do any of this.

If for some reason you do not have molasses lying around you could substitute brown sugar or honey. The sauce will taste a bit different, but still be excellent. If you don't have a slow cooker or crock pot, you can use your oven and an oven safe pot. Make sure an oven safe lid is on the pot. Set the oven to 200 degrees. When finished the pot is hot, so don't try to remove it with your face. Use oven mitts.


I was worried that these ribs would taste like root beer, but they do not. Cooking them for as long as this recipe calls for makes them literally fall apart. If you want to serve with the sauce you made, you can empty the sauce into a blender (best to wait until the sauce has cooled) blend it up and serve on the side or poured over the ribs. Even if you don't use the sauce on the ribs, they are plenty flavorful. We had a potluck the other night, and these ribs disappeared. I assume people ate them, as they were a bit solid for evaporation.

Mini Cinnamon Rolls

I have been away for a bit, guest posting over at Meg the Grand about sewing. It had nothing to do with cooking, but I did cook. This is what I made, and they did not last long. One of the sewers literally inhaled these. I say literally, because after eating a few of them she placed one in her mouth and inhaled sharply. She then started making frantic gestures that we assumed were choking panic signals. It turns out she just wanted more cinnamon rolls crammed into her mouth. It's how she wanted to go, and I respect that.

Today is Superbowl day. I don't care. I do not follow football and neither does Megan, unless it's the Steelers. I used to watch the Superbowl for the commercials, but now you can view those online even before the Superbowl. Still, there are a lot of people who have parties and make massive amounts of food for this happening. I'm all for that. Most of the food made tends to be salty in nature. Things like pigs in a blanket, cheeseburger dip, nacho platters, and-for the more discerning pallet-deep fried sea salt. I thought it would be nice to put up something both sweet and insanely easy to make. Let me repeat, easy. If you have just suffered serious brain injury, this is the recipe for you.

MINI CINNAMON ROLLS:

1 tube croissant roll dough ($1.29)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
Sugar to taste ($2.59 for 4 lbs.)
Cinnamon to taste ($0.99 for 2.5 oz.)
1 cup powdered sugar ($1.49 for 2 lbs.)
1 1/2 tablespoons hot water

I made a mention in my last post using croissant roll dough about how much I dislike this stuff. Well, here I am posting about it again. Yeah. It works for this recipe, and making actual croissant dough is a pain in the ass. So, preheat the oven to 350. Take the dough out of the tube and line up 4 of the croissants side by side. Pinch all the seams closed, then flip and do the same to the other side.

Roll out the jointed triangles to 1/4". Now, melt 2 tablespoons of the butter in a small dish. Coat one side of the dough with the melted butter. Not all the melted butter, just enough to get the cinnamon and sugar to stick. Now, get the cinnamon and sugar to stick by putting it on the dough. Use however much you want. If you like a sweeter cinnamon roll, use more sugar. I would go with about 2 1/2 tablespoons (as I like the icing to bring the sweetness).

Roll up the dough into a tube and cut it into 8 equal pieces. Now do the same to the rest of the dough from the tube.

Put the rolls in a mini muffin tin and pop them in the oven for 15 minutes. If you don't use Aldi roll dough, follow the baking instructions on the can.

Photo credit: Mina Kang (Korean girl with a camera)

While the rolls are baking (15 minutes) you can make the icing. Mix the other 2 tablespoons of butter and powdered sugar in a bowl. Add the water 1 tablespoon and then 1 teaspoon at a time until creamy and workable. I like to dip the rolls into the icing when they are done. You can either wait for the rolls to cool or dip them while warm to have the icing melt into the roll. 

Photo credit: that Korean girl I mentioned earlier

That's it. The first time I made these they lasted less than an hour with Megan and I. The next time, they lasted a few minutes. We keep buying more roll dough just to make these.

Brie Lobster Mac and Cheese

I have made mention of the specialty foods available at Aldi, including the whole Maine lobster for $9.99. Well, right now they also have brie rounds available. Any time we see the lobster, I buy a few of them. They are the same type of lobsters you see advertised on the streets of Boston for $10 by the bars trying to get tourists in. In case you are wondering, those ads totally work on Megan and I. The Aldi lobsters are not going to provide you with endless meat, but they are more than worth the price, and are a cheap way to have a fine lobster dinner (they also have lobster tails available at Aldi for $12.99, but these are warm water lobsters-read not as good-UPDATE-they are now Maine lobster tails).

If you are self conscious about shelling a lobster in front of your date while you eat, then I would ask you what kind of person even makes a lobster dinner for the second date. I mean, seriously, tone it down a bit. Trying too hard is probably why you're still single. If you are otherwise uncomfortable shelling lobster while you eat this kind of recipe is your friend.

BRIE LOBSTER MAC AND CHEESE:

8 oz. brie rind removed and torn up into little pieces ($2.99)
4 oz. shredded cheddar cheese (I used Dubliner $2.99 for 7 oz.)
2 oz. Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)
16 oz. elbow macaroni (32 oz for $1.69)
1 1/2 cups heavy cream ($1.89 for 16 oz.)
1 cup milk ($2.99 for 1 gallon)
3 tablespoons all purpose flour ($1.69 for 5 lbs.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
5 oz. lobster meat (this is an 18 oz. lobster for $9.99 it yields about 5 oz. of meat but amounts will vary)
Salt and pepper to taste
Bread crumbs (optional)

First, prepare the lobster. For the frozen whole lobster you can make it according to the package instructions. Boil a bunch of water in a pot big enough to fit the lobster. You will boil this puppy from frozen. By puppy I mean lobster, please do not make this dish with boiled puppy (it is the wrong consistency). It says to boil the lobster in salted water, but it is unnecessary to salt the water as the lobster is frozen in brine:

Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice. Maybe that's your thing. Everyone has a fetish. I'm not going into how to shell a lobster as I am too lazy to write it and didn't take enough pictures anyway. This guy from the CIA has a lovely video on how to do it. I assume his lobster was water boarded.

Once you have all the meat out make sure there is not leftover shell on the meat. Set the meat aside. Cook the macaroni according to the directions (6-8 minutes) drain and set aside. While cooking the pasta, simmer the cream/milk in a pot, but don't boil. In a pan, melt the butter and whisk in the flour over low heat. Congratulations, you have formed a roux. Don't get too cocky. Just add the hot cream/milk to the roux and whisk until smooth. Add the cheese and stir until smooth. Add salt and pepper to sauce. Combine cheese sauce, macaroni and lobster. Eat, or if you like, you can combine breadcrumbs with some grated cheese and pop the macaroni under a broiler. Keep a watch on it and brown, don't burn, the breadcrumbs.

Lobster mac and cheese is great, but the lobster itself does not reheat well. This may overcook the lobster, so it's best to eat all the lobster in the first sitting and any left over mac and cheese can go in the fridge. I have to go now because there is horrible lightning and thunder. In January.

Honey Nut Peanut Butter Bars

So, these are awesome. I've been over the recipe many many times, and I still can't find any crack in there. I say this because I'm pretty sure there is crack in these treats, or heroin, or some addictive drug that makes things wonderful. Why else would they be so awesome? I know I didn't put in any crack when I made them (I save the narcotics for my spaghetti and methballs). I'm not sure what the chemical properties of crack are. I know it's made from cocaine, but maybe you can synthesize it with marshmallows and peanut butter. Anyway, I highly recommend you make these before the DEA bans them.

The ingredients are simple enough, but the mixing can be a pain in the butt. Working with hot marshmallows and peanut butter can cause a real mess. so be prepared.

HONEY NUT PEANUT BUTTER BARS:

5 cups honey nut cereal ($1.59 for 12.5 oz.)
6 cups mini marshmallows (this is one bag $0.89)
1/2 cups peanut butter ($1.89 for 18 oz.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)

Coat a 13 x 9 inch pan with butter, then toss the rest of the butter into a LARGE bowl with the marshmallows and peanut butter. I put LARGE in all caps because this should be a bowl that can more than fit the marshmallows, peanut butter, butter, and cereal as the marshmallows will expand while heating and cause a mess. Use a bowl bigger than this one:

Put the bowl in the microwave on high for 2 minutes. This is when the marshmallows will go all Ghostbusters Stay Puft. Apparently marshmallows do not like being enclosed in a small area to await a fiery death.

After the 2 minutes are up, stir everything until smooth and mixed. Now add the cereal. Stir carefully and thoroughly. If at some point you feel that stirring isn't doing the trick, you can use your hands, but make sure the mixture has cooled down enough. Melted marshmallows will be hot and can burn you. Also, coat your hands in cooking spray before you handle the mixture. When everything is mixed form the mixture into the buttered pan, again coat your hands with cooking spray to keep the mixture from sticking to you. Once cooled cut and eat.

The time not spent eating these treats will be spent cleaning peanut butter and marshmallow that have inexplicably gotten on your ceiling and on the insides of your socks. It probably happened when you blacked out after freebasing these things and tried to make another batch while chanting something about being the Lizard Queen. That happens.

S'more Croissants

Nothing starts a cold morning off right like a freshly baked breakfast. By morning I mean about 12:30 p.m. because we're being lazy, and by freshly baked breakfast I mean chocolate. It is cold, though. It's about 11 degrees and snowing. I took a picture:

It's that cold. Or maybe I just had my camera on the wrong setting. Either way, that's not far from what it looks/feels like outside. Luckily the Megan and I are not homeless. For now. I saw this recipe on pinterest, or I should say I saw a picture of the recipe, which with this is pretty much all you need to figure out the recipe.

Not what you would call difficult. We had some leftover croissant dough from some pigs in a blanket we made. I broke out the dark chocolate and some mini marshmallows and got to work.

S'MORE CROISSANTS:

1 tube croissant dough ($1.29)
1.5 oz. chocolate ($1.89 for 4.4 oz.)
Mini marshmallows ($0.89 for 10.5 oz)
1 egg ($1.59 for 12)

Preheat oven to 350 (or whatever the dough package you use says). Lay out the croissant dough on an ungreased baking sheet. Break up the chocolate (unless you are using chocolate chips) and place on the dough near the wide end. A few small pieces should do. I used the 70% cacao dark chocolate, but you could use milk chocolate if you wanted the croissants a little sweeter. Place 3-4 of the mini marshmallows with the chocolate. Don't put too much on the dough or you won't be able to roll them. Roll up the croissant starting at the wide end. You have to seal the sides of the croissants or else the chocolate and marshmallow will try to escape during baking. I should mention that I do not like premade croissant dough. I think all premade dough tastes pretty much the same. The croissants never brown right and you end up having croissant shaped rolls. You can avoid the browning problem by making an egg wash to go over the croissants. Beat an egg and brush over the croissants before putting them in the oven. Bake according to directions (mine were 350 for 15 minutes).

These would be awesome with some hot chocolate, which when I make it is basically a thin ganache. That's right, heavy cream and chocolate. Nothing like a chocolate heart attack to keep you warm on a winter's day.