Honey Nut Peanut Butter Bars

So, these are awesome. I've been over the recipe many many times, and I still can't find any crack in there. I say this because I'm pretty sure there is crack in these treats, or heroin, or some addictive drug that makes things wonderful. Why else would they be so awesome? I know I didn't put in any crack when I made them (I save the narcotics for my spaghetti and methballs). I'm not sure what the chemical properties of crack are. I know it's made from cocaine, but maybe you can synthesize it with marshmallows and peanut butter. Anyway, I highly recommend you make these before the DEA bans them.

The ingredients are simple enough, but the mixing can be a pain in the butt. Working with hot marshmallows and peanut butter can cause a real mess. so be prepared.

HONEY NUT PEANUT BUTTER BARS:

5 cups honey nut cereal ($1.59 for 12.5 oz.)
6 cups mini marshmallows (this is one bag $0.89)
1/2 cups peanut butter ($1.89 for 18 oz.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)

Coat a 13 x 9 inch pan with butter, then toss the rest of the butter into a LARGE bowl with the marshmallows and peanut butter. I put LARGE in all caps because this should be a bowl that can more than fit the marshmallows, peanut butter, butter, and cereal as the marshmallows will expand while heating and cause a mess. Use a bowl bigger than this one:

Put the bowl in the microwave on high for 2 minutes. This is when the marshmallows will go all Ghostbusters Stay Puft. Apparently marshmallows do not like being enclosed in a small area to await a fiery death.

After the 2 minutes are up, stir everything until smooth and mixed. Now add the cereal. Stir carefully and thoroughly. If at some point you feel that stirring isn't doing the trick, you can use your hands, but make sure the mixture has cooled down enough. Melted marshmallows will be hot and can burn you. Also, coat your hands in cooking spray before you handle the mixture. When everything is mixed form the mixture into the buttered pan, again coat your hands with cooking spray to keep the mixture from sticking to you. Once cooled cut and eat.

The time not spent eating these treats will be spent cleaning peanut butter and marshmallow that have inexplicably gotten on your ceiling and on the insides of your socks. It probably happened when you blacked out after freebasing these things and tried to make another batch while chanting something about being the Lizard Queen. That happens.

Toasted Cinnamon Almonds

Because nothing says the holidays like hot nuts in your mouth. Sorry. I couldn't resist.

There is a stand by where I work that sells toasted almonds in December. The smell is intoxicating. By intoxicating I mean that there is an actual anthropomorphic hand made out of roasted almond smell that not only drags me to the stand, but removes money from my wallet to give to its German nut toasting master. I should file a complaint. At $6.00 for an 8 oz. bag, I was thinking I could just make them myself cheaper and with my own anthropomorphic hand that will do my taxes. Maybe I should make these next month.

I wandered into a Walgreens to check on the price of almonds, and found that a 16 oz. bag cost over $8.00. No doubt cheaper than the German stand, but I knew I could do better at Aldi. Sure enough, a 12 oz. package was $3.99. That is a serious price difference. Here's the recipe.

TOASTED CINNAMON ALMONDS:
1 teaspoon cold water
1 egg white (eggs 12 for $1.59)
1 12 oz. package natural almonds ($3.99)
1/2 cup white sugar (sack of sugar for $2.49)
1/4 teaspoon salt (don't know-I haven't bought salt in years)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon ($0.99 per canister)
Cooking Spray ($1.29)

 Preheat your oven to 250 degrees and spray a cookie sheet with the cooking spray. Combine the water and egg white in a bowl and whisk until frothy but not stiff. Pour in the nuts and stir until coated. Separately mix the sugar, cinnamon, and salt, then sprinkle over the almonds until coated. Spread the almonds evenly on the sprayed cookie sheet and put in the oven for 1 hour stirring the almonds every 15 minutes.

At the end you have your own toasted cinnamon almonds for about $3.00 for 8 oz. This recipe isn't only for almonds. It works with almost any nuts you have in your sack. Sorry. Last one, I promise. As a holiday treat everyone seems to love these, and they don't last more than a couple of days. I guess everyone just loves having my nuts in their mouth. Sorry, sorry. I'm just going to stop now.