Iced Irish Creamed Almond Coffee

Worst. Drink. Name. Ever. It sounds like an Irishman did something unsavory to it. The drink, however, is what Megan has described as "amazeballs." This is a professional science term. Neil Degrasse Tyson uses it all the time. It is sweet, it has alcohol, and it tastes of coffee. What more could you want? Puppies? It doesn't have puppies. Puppies taste terrible.

HORRIBLY NAMED DRINK THAT TASTES AWESOME:

Coffee ($4.49 for 12 oz.)
Almond Milk ($2.49 for 1/2 gal)
Irish Cream ($8.99 for 750 ml)

First step, make coffee. I used the whole bean coffee, which is the most expensive, but you can use any coffee you like. I also made the coffee a little weak. I imagine this would be even better with espresso, but we do not have an espresso maker. When the coffee is made, let it cool a bit then pour it into your ice cube tray of choice. Place the trays in the freezer and allow to freeze completely. You may notice that my cubes are long rectangles. Well, they're more than just that. They are these.

I have Han Solo frozen in coffeenite. Yeah. Next put in your glass 1 part Irish cream and 1 part almond milk. Stir, then add the coffee ice cubes. As you drink, the coffee melts and releases into the drink. It's great. If you don't drink booze, leave out the Irish cream. If you don't do booze or caffeine, then I'm very, very sorry. And you could use decaff. 

Now, please use the comments to come up with a better name for this drink. That's it. Drink up.

Brie Lobster Mac and Cheese

I have made mention of the specialty foods available at Aldi, including the whole Maine lobster for $9.99. Well, right now they also have brie rounds available. Any time we see the lobster, I buy a few of them. They are the same type of lobsters you see advertised on the streets of Boston for $10 by the bars trying to get tourists in. In case you are wondering, those ads totally work on Megan and I. The Aldi lobsters are not going to provide you with endless meat, but they are more than worth the price, and are a cheap way to have a fine lobster dinner (they also have lobster tails available at Aldi for $12.99, but these are warm water lobsters-read not as good-UPDATE-they are now Maine lobster tails).

If you are self conscious about shelling a lobster in front of your date while you eat, then I would ask you what kind of person even makes a lobster dinner for the second date. I mean, seriously, tone it down a bit. Trying too hard is probably why you're still single. If you are otherwise uncomfortable shelling lobster while you eat this kind of recipe is your friend.

BRIE LOBSTER MAC AND CHEESE:

8 oz. brie rind removed and torn up into little pieces ($2.99)
4 oz. shredded cheddar cheese (I used Dubliner $2.99 for 7 oz.)
2 oz. Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)
16 oz. elbow macaroni (32 oz for $1.69)
1 1/2 cups heavy cream ($1.89 for 16 oz.)
1 cup milk ($2.99 for 1 gallon)
3 tablespoons all purpose flour ($1.69 for 5 lbs.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
5 oz. lobster meat (this is an 18 oz. lobster for $9.99 it yields about 5 oz. of meat but amounts will vary)
Salt and pepper to taste
Bread crumbs (optional)

First, prepare the lobster. For the frozen whole lobster you can make it according to the package instructions. Boil a bunch of water in a pot big enough to fit the lobster. You will boil this puppy from frozen. By puppy I mean lobster, please do not make this dish with boiled puppy (it is the wrong consistency). It says to boil the lobster in salted water, but it is unnecessary to salt the water as the lobster is frozen in brine:

Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice. Maybe that's your thing. Everyone has a fetish. I'm not going into how to shell a lobster as I am too lazy to write it and didn't take enough pictures anyway. This guy from the CIA has a lovely video on how to do it. I assume his lobster was water boarded.

Once you have all the meat out make sure there is not leftover shell on the meat. Set the meat aside. Cook the macaroni according to the directions (6-8 minutes) drain and set aside. While cooking the pasta, simmer the cream/milk in a pot, but don't boil. In a pan, melt the butter and whisk in the flour over low heat. Congratulations, you have formed a roux. Don't get too cocky. Just add the hot cream/milk to the roux and whisk until smooth. Add the cheese and stir until smooth. Add salt and pepper to sauce. Combine cheese sauce, macaroni and lobster. Eat, or if you like, you can combine breadcrumbs with some grated cheese and pop the macaroni under a broiler. Keep a watch on it and brown, don't burn, the breadcrumbs.

Lobster mac and cheese is great, but the lobster itself does not reheat well. This may overcook the lobster, so it's best to eat all the lobster in the first sitting and any left over mac and cheese can go in the fridge. I have to go now because there is horrible lightning and thunder. In January.

Toasted Marshmallow Milkshake

Notice: The consumption of raw or undercooked eggs may increase your risk of food borne illness such as salmonella. Now tell me that's not the best way to start off a recipe. Don't you want to make this and give it to children and enfeebled old people now? Yeah you do.

The reason I put the disclaimer in here is because this milkshake is best with frozen custard. I don't have any frozen custard. The best way to mimic frozen custard when all you have is ice cream: add an egg. This is true for milkshakes, do not have a bowl of ice cream with a raw egg on it and expect it to taste like custard. My brothers and I have put a raw egg in our milkshakes since we were kids. None of us have died from salmonella poisoning, but one of us is a network administrator. So that might be a concern.

If you have frozen vanilla custard for this recipe, go for it, otherwise you can use an egg, even though it might kill you.

TOASTED MARSHMALLOW MILKSHAKE:
9 large marshmallows ($0.99 per bag)
1 1/4 cups of vanilla ice cream ($2.69 per 56 oz.)
1 egg (optional $1.59 per 12)
1/4 cup of half and half ($1.79 per 32 oz.)
1/4 cup of heavy cream ($1.89 per 16 oz.)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract ($1.99 per 2 oz.)

The first thing you have to do is toast the marshmallows. If you have an electric oven you can turn on the broiler and place them on a cookie sheet on the highest rack for a minute or two. Watch them, they go from toasted to burnt in just a few seconds. If you have a gas range, you can skewer the marshmallows and toast them over the open flame. Again, be careful as marshmallows are very flammable.

Once your marshmallows are nicely toasted, add all the ingredients to the blender saving two marshmallows for garnish. If you like a thicker milkshake, more ice cream. If you like a thinner milkshake, more half and half. You may ask, "Why half and half and cream instead of milk?" Try it, and you will know the answer. It makes a much richer milkshake. It is not what we call healthy, but if you are making a toasted marshmallow milkshake, I assume it isn't to drink while you're on the treadmill. Throwing some heavy cream, or half and half, or both into to a milkshake is great, unless you are drinking these things every day. If you do drink these things every day, then my guess is that you only check internet recipes between heart attacks and foot amputations. Either way, enjoy.