Lobster Rolls

Remember how I said I was going to post more, then disappeared off the face of the Earth. Remember that? That was fun.

Seeing as my last post was in the summer and all about shellfish, and it is now the dead of winter, this post is all about shellfish. For those of you who have not lived in the Northeast section of the U.S., they have this awesome thing called a lobster roll. It doesn't make up for the horribleness of winter, but it comes close.

Lobster rolls are basically tuna salad sandwiches, but instead of tuna you use lobster. I KNOW RIGHT?! They are extremely prevalent in Maine, where the residents begin lobster fishing at age fetus. Even the McDonald's up there have lobster rolls. How strange is that?

"What are you eating?"

"Lobster."

"Where did you get it?"

"McDonald's . . . ewwww*"

*The ewwww is for when the other person's head exploded from hearing that you can get lobster at a damn McDonald's.

LOBSTER ROLLS:

2 frozen Maine lobster tails ($12.99) or frozen whole lobster ($9.99)
3 Tbsp mayonnaise ($1.99 for 30 oz.)
1 stalk celery ($0.79 for bunch)
2 Tbsp butter ($2.29 for 16 oz.)
2 hoagies ($1.79 for 6) or hot dog buns ($0.79 for 8)
2 leaves romaine lettuce rinsed and dried ($1.99 for 3 hearts)
Salt and pepper to taste

First, cook up the lobster however it says on the package. Here is how to cook the whole lobster from an old post:

Boil enough water to cover the lobster. Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice.

Once you have all the meat out of the lobster shell, chop it and the single celery stalk up.

Do not dice the lobster, you want big lobster pieces. add the mayo, lobster and celery to a bowl and mix it up. Add salt and pepper to taste.

 Meanwhile, melt the butter and spread it on the open hoagies or hotdog buns. then, toast them butter side down on medium in a frying pan or in the oven under the broiler. If you use the broiler keep an eye on them as they will burn and cause firemen to come to your home. Not sexy firemen either, the kind who are pissed off you don't know how to use your broiler.

Line the now toasted (but not burnt) bread with the lettuce and shovel in the lobster mix. Now, shovel all this into your face.

If you want to change up the recipe a bit, add some hot sauce, or Dijon mustard, or an old tire (do not add that last one).

Brie Lobster Mac and Cheese

I have made mention of the specialty foods available at Aldi, including the whole Maine lobster for $9.99. Well, right now they also have brie rounds available. Any time we see the lobster, I buy a few of them. They are the same type of lobsters you see advertised on the streets of Boston for $10 by the bars trying to get tourists in. In case you are wondering, those ads totally work on Megan and I. The Aldi lobsters are not going to provide you with endless meat, but they are more than worth the price, and are a cheap way to have a fine lobster dinner (they also have lobster tails available at Aldi for $12.99, but these are warm water lobsters-read not as good-UPDATE-they are now Maine lobster tails).

If you are self conscious about shelling a lobster in front of your date while you eat, then I would ask you what kind of person even makes a lobster dinner for the second date. I mean, seriously, tone it down a bit. Trying too hard is probably why you're still single. If you are otherwise uncomfortable shelling lobster while you eat this kind of recipe is your friend.

BRIE LOBSTER MAC AND CHEESE:

8 oz. brie rind removed and torn up into little pieces ($2.99)
4 oz. shredded cheddar cheese (I used Dubliner $2.99 for 7 oz.)
2 oz. Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)
16 oz. elbow macaroni (32 oz for $1.69)
1 1/2 cups heavy cream ($1.89 for 16 oz.)
1 cup milk ($2.99 for 1 gallon)
3 tablespoons all purpose flour ($1.69 for 5 lbs.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
5 oz. lobster meat (this is an 18 oz. lobster for $9.99 it yields about 5 oz. of meat but amounts will vary)
Salt and pepper to taste
Bread crumbs (optional)

First, prepare the lobster. For the frozen whole lobster you can make it according to the package instructions. Boil a bunch of water in a pot big enough to fit the lobster. You will boil this puppy from frozen. By puppy I mean lobster, please do not make this dish with boiled puppy (it is the wrong consistency). It says to boil the lobster in salted water, but it is unnecessary to salt the water as the lobster is frozen in brine:

Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice. Maybe that's your thing. Everyone has a fetish. I'm not going into how to shell a lobster as I am too lazy to write it and didn't take enough pictures anyway. This guy from the CIA has a lovely video on how to do it. I assume his lobster was water boarded.

Once you have all the meat out make sure there is not leftover shell on the meat. Set the meat aside. Cook the macaroni according to the directions (6-8 minutes) drain and set aside. While cooking the pasta, simmer the cream/milk in a pot, but don't boil. In a pan, melt the butter and whisk in the flour over low heat. Congratulations, you have formed a roux. Don't get too cocky. Just add the hot cream/milk to the roux and whisk until smooth. Add the cheese and stir until smooth. Add salt and pepper to sauce. Combine cheese sauce, macaroni and lobster. Eat, or if you like, you can combine breadcrumbs with some grated cheese and pop the macaroni under a broiler. Keep a watch on it and brown, don't burn, the breadcrumbs.

Lobster mac and cheese is great, but the lobster itself does not reheat well. This may overcook the lobster, so it's best to eat all the lobster in the first sitting and any left over mac and cheese can go in the fridge. I have to go now because there is horrible lightning and thunder. In January.