Sweet and Spicy Potato Chip Nachos

You know who doesn't have enough nacho dishes? The Amish. They are constantly asking me to post nacho recipes on the blog. They are also constantly asking me what a blog is. And by constantly, I mean that I may have never met an Amish person. Lot's of Mennonites, though.

Enough about the cultural bankruptcy that is the Amish lifestyle, we're hear to discuss nachos. Crispy chips, melted cheese, and often an assortment of meats and peppers and creams and beans and other meats piled so high that the bottom of the nacho dish begins to liquify from intense heat and pressure, ensuring that the chips are no longer crispy. At least that is what I assume happens.

The other week I was at a restaurant that had a potato chip nacho plate with blue cheese. It. Was. Awesome. Their dish used truffle oil on the chips, which is wonderful, but something I do not have. I tweaked the dish until I made something that made me start eating it, suddenly look down to find there was no more, and become very sad.

SWEET AND SPICY POTATO CHIP NACHOS:

2 Lbs. Russet potatoes sliced 1/4 inch thick (10 Lbs. for $1.99)
3 Tbsp. Extra virgin olive oil (17 oz. for $3.29)
1 Tbsp. Red pepper flake (3.75 oz. for $0.99)
1 Tbsp. Paprika (3.75 oz. for $0.99)
1 tsp. Hot sauce (17 oz. for $0.99)
Sea Salt ($1.49 per grinder)
Pepper ($1.49 per grinder)
Brown sugar (32 oz. for $1.49)
Blue cheese (5 oz. for $2.99)

Set oven to 400 degrees. Clean or peel the potatoes as is your preference. Slice them into 1/4 inch slices. If you do not have a mandolin, this will be a pain in the ass.

Once sliced, put them in a bowl of water with enough water to cover them. Combine the oil, pepper flake, paprika, and hot sauce in a bowl where you can fit all the potato slices. Salt and pepper to taste. Take the potatoes out of the water and pat them dry then throw them into the bowl and coat them well.

Place the slices on baking sheets and put them into the oven rotating the top sheet to the bottom after about 15 minutes. It should take 30-40 minutes for the chips to finish, but watch them. If your chips are not all uniform some will be done quicker than others. If you see a chip that's done (browned around the edges) remove it with tongs and set them on a rack to dry.

Dry the chips about 5 minutes. Add salt and brown sugar to taste. Now build the nachos by setting down a layer of chips and topping it with a layer of sprinkled blue cheese. keep going until you have enough. Turn on the broiler of your oven and put the nachos right beneath it. Remove when the cheese is melty and delicious looking. If you oven doesn't have a broiler just put the nachos in the still hot oven and watch to make sure the chips don't start burning.

I was very pleased with this concoction. It's like WASP nachos. Serve these at the country club and they may consider you for membership. Maybe. Probably not.

Cheese and Broccoli Quiche

Sorry for the long pause between posts. There was an anniversary, and a birthday, and a 1/2 marathon (I did not run it, I am allergic to self-betterment), and a sewing party, and house guests, there was also this t.v. show I like, not to mention how much stuff there is on the internet. Anyway, I'm back now.

From my childhood I remember a book called, "Real Men Don't Cook Quiche" and since I never actually read the book (it was a cookbook at a time before I cooked), I think I should let Jasper's review fill in my gaps of knowledge about the content:

"May I be to say this is one my faavorite books. it contains many joke and funny. please be to preparing me a new weapon, fashioned of ageless bronze. who maxed out my f-ing mastercard? dot.com."

Powerful words. 

 Despite the fact that I am a real man (not one of those fake men you see advertised all over the internet), I do cook quiche. It's egg pie. Why wouldn't I cook this stuff?

I use frozen pie crusts. Not because I can't make pie crusts. Not because you shouldn't make pie crusts, but because I am lazy. Are homemade better, well, it depends on the recipe. If you can make a pie crust, and you enjoy doing so, do it. Otherwise, use a frozen one you like.

The nice thing about quiches is that you can put whatever you want in them . . . as long as you want eggs. Aside from the eggs, though, you can get as creative as you like. You can make them vegetarian, or even vegan (as long as you don't tell vegan people what's in it, it's vegan). Bacon, sausage, spinach, blue cheese, asparagus, etc. are all fine ingredients for the quiche of your choice. All except asparagus. That vegetable should be eradicated from the planet.

CHEESE AND BROCCOLI QUICHE:

1 frozen pie crust thawed ($1.89 for 2)

2 slices muenster cheese ($1.99 for 8 oz.)

1 1/4 cup half and half (Why is there no more cream? Why!)

1 cup thawed frozen broccoli florets ($1.09 for 12 oz.)

1 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese ($1.79 for 8 oz.)

6 eggs ($1.19 for 12)

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

First, preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Layer the muenster along the bottom of the thawed pie crust.

Next, layer in the broccoli florets.

Add the remaining ingredients to a bowel and mix. Pour the mixture into the pie crust. Bake for 35 to 45 minutes or until a knife inserted into the quiche comes out clean.

That's it. Let the quiche cool a bit and eat it. Eat the hell out of it.

Mini Cinnamon Rolls

I have been away for a bit, guest posting over at Meg the Grand about sewing. It had nothing to do with cooking, but I did cook. This is what I made, and they did not last long. One of the sewers literally inhaled these. I say literally, because after eating a few of them she placed one in her mouth and inhaled sharply. She then started making frantic gestures that we assumed were choking panic signals. It turns out she just wanted more cinnamon rolls crammed into her mouth. It's how she wanted to go, and I respect that.

Today is Superbowl day. I don't care. I do not follow football and neither does Megan, unless it's the Steelers. I used to watch the Superbowl for the commercials, but now you can view those online even before the Superbowl. Still, there are a lot of people who have parties and make massive amounts of food for this happening. I'm all for that. Most of the food made tends to be salty in nature. Things like pigs in a blanket, cheeseburger dip, nacho platters, and-for the more discerning pallet-deep fried sea salt. I thought it would be nice to put up something both sweet and insanely easy to make. Let me repeat, easy. If you have just suffered serious brain injury, this is the recipe for you.

MINI CINNAMON ROLLS:

1 tube croissant roll dough ($1.29)
4 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
Sugar to taste ($2.59 for 4 lbs.)
Cinnamon to taste ($0.99 for 2.5 oz.)
1 cup powdered sugar ($1.49 for 2 lbs.)
1 1/2 tablespoons hot water

I made a mention in my last post using croissant roll dough about how much I dislike this stuff. Well, here I am posting about it again. Yeah. It works for this recipe, and making actual croissant dough is a pain in the ass. So, preheat the oven to 350. Take the dough out of the tube and line up 4 of the croissants side by side. Pinch all the seams closed, then flip and do the same to the other side.

Roll out the jointed triangles to 1/4". Now, melt 2 tablespoons of the butter in a small dish. Coat one side of the dough with the melted butter. Not all the melted butter, just enough to get the cinnamon and sugar to stick. Now, get the cinnamon and sugar to stick by putting it on the dough. Use however much you want. If you like a sweeter cinnamon roll, use more sugar. I would go with about 2 1/2 tablespoons (as I like the icing to bring the sweetness).

Roll up the dough into a tube and cut it into 8 equal pieces. Now do the same to the rest of the dough from the tube.

Put the rolls in a mini muffin tin and pop them in the oven for 15 minutes. If you don't use Aldi roll dough, follow the baking instructions on the can.

Photo credit: Mina Kang (Korean girl with a camera)

While the rolls are baking (15 minutes) you can make the icing. Mix the other 2 tablespoons of butter and powdered sugar in a bowl. Add the water 1 tablespoon and then 1 teaspoon at a time until creamy and workable. I like to dip the rolls into the icing when they are done. You can either wait for the rolls to cool or dip them while warm to have the icing melt into the roll. 

Photo credit: that Korean girl I mentioned earlier

That's it. The first time I made these they lasted less than an hour with Megan and I. The next time, they lasted a few minutes. We keep buying more roll dough just to make these.

Brie Lobster Mac and Cheese

I have made mention of the specialty foods available at Aldi, including the whole Maine lobster for $9.99. Well, right now they also have brie rounds available. Any time we see the lobster, I buy a few of them. They are the same type of lobsters you see advertised on the streets of Boston for $10 by the bars trying to get tourists in. In case you are wondering, those ads totally work on Megan and I. The Aldi lobsters are not going to provide you with endless meat, but they are more than worth the price, and are a cheap way to have a fine lobster dinner (they also have lobster tails available at Aldi for $12.99, but these are warm water lobsters-read not as good-UPDATE-they are now Maine lobster tails).

If you are self conscious about shelling a lobster in front of your date while you eat, then I would ask you what kind of person even makes a lobster dinner for the second date. I mean, seriously, tone it down a bit. Trying too hard is probably why you're still single. If you are otherwise uncomfortable shelling lobster while you eat this kind of recipe is your friend.

BRIE LOBSTER MAC AND CHEESE:

8 oz. brie rind removed and torn up into little pieces ($2.99)
4 oz. shredded cheddar cheese (I used Dubliner $2.99 for 7 oz.)
2 oz. Parmesan cheese ($2.29 for 8 oz.)
16 oz. elbow macaroni (32 oz for $1.69)
1 1/2 cups heavy cream ($1.89 for 16 oz.)
1 cup milk ($2.99 for 1 gallon)
3 tablespoons all purpose flour ($1.69 for 5 lbs.)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter ($1.99 for 16 oz.)
5 oz. lobster meat (this is an 18 oz. lobster for $9.99 it yields about 5 oz. of meat but amounts will vary)
Salt and pepper to taste
Bread crumbs (optional)

First, prepare the lobster. For the frozen whole lobster you can make it according to the package instructions. Boil a bunch of water in a pot big enough to fit the lobster. You will boil this puppy from frozen. By puppy I mean lobster, please do not make this dish with boiled puppy (it is the wrong consistency). It says to boil the lobster in salted water, but it is unnecessary to salt the water as the lobster is frozen in brine:

Just dump the lobster in the boiling water, mesh bag and all. return the water to boiling and boil 12-15 minutes. Remove the lobster from the boiling water. Get rid of the lobster water, it stinks. Now it's time to get all the meat out of the shell. Get 3 bowls. Put the cooked lobster in one, use one for the meat and the other for discarded shell. The majority of the meat will be in the claws and the tail. Your hands are the best tools, but a kitchen knife and a rolling pin are good to have as well. By the way, you should let the lobster cool before you shell it. If you are currently burned, then I suggest reading the entire recipe through before cooking anything. Really, instant gratification only works if you want to be instantly gratified, or burned by hot lobster juice. Maybe that's your thing. Everyone has a fetish. I'm not going into how to shell a lobster as I am too lazy to write it and didn't take enough pictures anyway. This guy from the CIA has a lovely video on how to do it. I assume his lobster was water boarded.

Once you have all the meat out make sure there is not leftover shell on the meat. Set the meat aside. Cook the macaroni according to the directions (6-8 minutes) drain and set aside. While cooking the pasta, simmer the cream/milk in a pot, but don't boil. In a pan, melt the butter and whisk in the flour over low heat. Congratulations, you have formed a roux. Don't get too cocky. Just add the hot cream/milk to the roux and whisk until smooth. Add the cheese and stir until smooth. Add salt and pepper to sauce. Combine cheese sauce, macaroni and lobster. Eat, or if you like, you can combine breadcrumbs with some grated cheese and pop the macaroni under a broiler. Keep a watch on it and brown, don't burn, the breadcrumbs.

Lobster mac and cheese is great, but the lobster itself does not reheat well. This may overcook the lobster, so it's best to eat all the lobster in the first sitting and any left over mac and cheese can go in the fridge. I have to go now because there is horrible lightning and thunder. In January.

S'more Croissants

Nothing starts a cold morning off right like a freshly baked breakfast. By morning I mean about 12:30 p.m. because we're being lazy, and by freshly baked breakfast I mean chocolate. It is cold, though. It's about 11 degrees and snowing. I took a picture:

It's that cold. Or maybe I just had my camera on the wrong setting. Either way, that's not far from what it looks/feels like outside. Luckily the Megan and I are not homeless. For now. I saw this recipe on pinterest, or I should say I saw a picture of the recipe, which with this is pretty much all you need to figure out the recipe.

Not what you would call difficult. We had some leftover croissant dough from some pigs in a blanket we made. I broke out the dark chocolate and some mini marshmallows and got to work.

S'MORE CROISSANTS:

1 tube croissant dough ($1.29)
1.5 oz. chocolate ($1.89 for 4.4 oz.)
Mini marshmallows ($0.89 for 10.5 oz)
1 egg ($1.59 for 12)

Preheat oven to 350 (or whatever the dough package you use says). Lay out the croissant dough on an ungreased baking sheet. Break up the chocolate (unless you are using chocolate chips) and place on the dough near the wide end. A few small pieces should do. I used the 70% cacao dark chocolate, but you could use milk chocolate if you wanted the croissants a little sweeter. Place 3-4 of the mini marshmallows with the chocolate. Don't put too much on the dough or you won't be able to roll them. Roll up the croissant starting at the wide end. You have to seal the sides of the croissants or else the chocolate and marshmallow will try to escape during baking. I should mention that I do not like premade croissant dough. I think all premade dough tastes pretty much the same. The croissants never brown right and you end up having croissant shaped rolls. You can avoid the browning problem by making an egg wash to go over the croissants. Beat an egg and brush over the croissants before putting them in the oven. Bake according to directions (mine were 350 for 15 minutes).

These would be awesome with some hot chocolate, which when I make it is basically a thin ganache. That's right, heavy cream and chocolate. Nothing like a chocolate heart attack to keep you warm on a winter's day.

Toasted Cinnamon Almonds

Because nothing says the holidays like hot nuts in your mouth. Sorry. I couldn't resist.

There is a stand by where I work that sells toasted almonds in December. The smell is intoxicating. By intoxicating I mean that there is an actual anthropomorphic hand made out of roasted almond smell that not only drags me to the stand, but removes money from my wallet to give to its German nut toasting master. I should file a complaint. At $6.00 for an 8 oz. bag, I was thinking I could just make them myself cheaper and with my own anthropomorphic hand that will do my taxes. Maybe I should make these next month.

I wandered into a Walgreens to check on the price of almonds, and found that a 16 oz. bag cost over $8.00. No doubt cheaper than the German stand, but I knew I could do better at Aldi. Sure enough, a 12 oz. package was $3.99. That is a serious price difference. Here's the recipe.

TOASTED CINNAMON ALMONDS:
1 teaspoon cold water
1 egg white (eggs 12 for $1.59)
1 12 oz. package natural almonds ($3.99)
1/2 cup white sugar (sack of sugar for $2.49)
1/4 teaspoon salt (don't know-I haven't bought salt in years)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon ($0.99 per canister)
Cooking Spray ($1.29)

 Preheat your oven to 250 degrees and spray a cookie sheet with the cooking spray. Combine the water and egg white in a bowl and whisk until frothy but not stiff. Pour in the nuts and stir until coated. Separately mix the sugar, cinnamon, and salt, then sprinkle over the almonds until coated. Spread the almonds evenly on the sprayed cookie sheet and put in the oven for 1 hour stirring the almonds every 15 minutes.

At the end you have your own toasted cinnamon almonds for about $3.00 for 8 oz. This recipe isn't only for almonds. It works with almost any nuts you have in your sack. Sorry. Last one, I promise. As a holiday treat everyone seems to love these, and they don't last more than a couple of days. I guess everyone just loves having my nuts in their mouth. Sorry, sorry. I'm just going to stop now.